Mother's musings

I never thought I would be the owner of a blog. But, I felt the need to write down some of the things that have been happening in my life over the last several months.

First of all, for the past 3 1/2 months I have been a mommy! This is something I have always wanted my whole life. This is also the hardest job I have ever had to do. It has stretched me physically to my maximum. And I am sure that I haven't been stretched as far as I will go yet. My son's name is Benjamin and I love him with all of my heart. He has been my constant partner since his birth.

Last week he had surgery. They took my baby and operated on him, and I sat in the waiting room and I swear every time the door opened for another parent to be called back I was on the edge of my seat ready to jump up and run back to get him. I think this was the longest I have been away from him since he was born.

The nurse came to get me and told me that he is ticked off! He wanted to eat. So I went to feed him, and here I am thinking that he is going to eat just fine after surgery. I was way wrong. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. He didn't want the pedialyte they had. So I made him a bottle. We sat and he ate some of it, then all of a sudden he began to throw up everything in his little tummy. Poor little guy.

Then for the rest of the afternoon in between his naps I had to listen to my baby whimper. He ended up being on morphine right after surgery. Then tylenol with codeine. (Thanks to God for a medicine to help him sleep.) He also had to take some gas drops, because that ended up being a major source of his pain as well.

He had to stay at the hospital and in the middle of the night I was told he had a temperature of over 101 degrees. The doctor came back the next morning and let me know we are staying another night. So I decided I may as well get comfortable as I know I will be here awhile with him. In the meantime, the poor little guy doesn't want to eat more than 1 or 2 ounces of formula and begins to do some vomiting. We thought at first it was just the yucky medicine taste.

That evening he was able to hold down 3 ounces of formula at about 3 a.m. Then the doctor came at about 6:40 a.m. to tell me that we could go home! Yay! That is what I was ready to hear.

We went home and Benjamin still could not keep fluids down. We would feed him and then he would get sick all over again. We called the hospital and they said to bring him back. We went to the hospital very discouraged. They took us to a treatment room and they said they might be putting an I.V. into him again. I was a nervous wreck. The last I.V. he had just had removed had been in his head!

Fortunately, the docs sent us back home after tummy xrays and told us to feed him small amounts more frequently. So the next several days were spent feeding and cleaning up after him when he got sick. And I had a little baby come on the day after he came home for me to take care of starting at 6:15 a.m. All of this started on a Tuesday. By Saturday night I was sitting on my couch holding Ben and I began sobbing from total frustration and exhaustion. I think God was trying to stretch me and build my character.

This is what I really wanted in my life. I didn't realize what being a mom was until I tried it.Wow, sometimes I think you need super powers. But, my husband reminded me today that God's grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I usually could do most everything by myself outside of being a mommy. But for this, I realize my need for God! Very much, more than ever. I have literally been so tired that I have gotten down on my hands and knees and begged God to be filled with his spirit and to endure my trials. And this is only the beginning.